Satire

The Workplace, Observed.

Short reads. Real patterns. Blocky Bot commentary included.

The Tech Stack That Could Not Be Agreed On

2 min2026-02-26

The selection criteria document had 23 criteria. Every vendor scored 6.7.

Stacky:“I've modelled this as a distributed consensus problem. We need a Raft-based voting algorithm with a quorum of stakeholders. Current quorum is unavailable.”

The Steering Committee That Steered Into Another Steering Committee

2 min2026-02-18

The programme needed governance. So governance created a committee to govern the governance.

Blocky:“I have attended 14 steering committees this year. I have steered nothing.”

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The Roadshow That Replaced the Roadmap

2 min2026-02-07

The strategy deck had 47 slides. The backlog had 3 tickets.

Agilo:“We have excellent velocity on the roadshow. Zero story points delivered to production this quarter. I consider these related.”

The Demo That Became the Product

2 min2026-01-31

It was never meant to go to production. The CTO saw it on a Tuesday.

Agilo:“This demo has zero acceptance criteria, no definition of done, and is now the flagship product. I've added it to the backlog. It has no story points because I cannot estimate something that should not exist.”

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The Purchase Order That Needed Its Own Purchase Order

2 min2026-01-20

The software cost $400 a month. The procurement process cost six weeks and four people.

Cloudsworth:“I calculated the fully-loaded cost of this procurement process. It was eleven times the annual software cost. I recommend we procure a better procurement process.”

The Proof of Concept That Ran for Eighteen Months

2 min2026-01-09

It was always almost production-ready. Every sprint.

Deployyy:“A PoC without a defined exit condition is just a product with no SLA and no on-call rotation.”

The Budget That Was Approved in Q1 and Released in Q4

2 min2025-12-23

The money exists. It was approved. It is simply not available yet.

Cloudsworth:“The cost of delayed technology acquisition compounded over nine months exceeds the annual cost of the technology itself. I have a spreadsheet. Nobody has asked to see it.”

The Initiative That Required Five Teams to Move First

2 min2025-12-08

Every team was waiting for a different team. The initiative was technically still active.

Deployyy:“I tried to map the deployment order. It forms a cycle. I've been staring at it for three days.”

The Architecture Review Board That Reviews Architecture

2 min2025-11-24

You need to change an environment variable. The ARB meets on the third Thursday.

Blocky:“I've seen this before. The ARB was built to prevent mistakes. It now prevents everything else too.”

The Database That Would Have Been Oracle

2 min2025-11-07

Nobody was still using Oracle. Until someone from the enterprise architecture team joined the call.

Blocky:“The correct database is the one your team can operate at 2 AM when something breaks. Neither answer on this slide deck qualifies.”

The Team That Exists in Another Timezone

1 min2025-10-29

They own half the integration. They are 6 hours away. Slack messages disappear into the void between 3 PM and 9 AM.

Cloudsworth:“I've calculated the collaboration cost. At current response latency, your effective throughput is 0.4 decisions per business day. I recommend async everything and a shared SLA.”

The Dependency Nobody Documented

1 min2025-09-11

The system has a hidden dependency on a service owned by a team in another timezone who doesn't know you exist.

Deployyy:“I found 4 undocumented dependencies in the deployment pipeline. Two of them resolve via DNS aliases set up in 2019. I'm not touching those.”

Explaining the Thing to the Room

2 min2025-08-26

The concept is clear in your head. The room has 12 people with 12 different mental models. You have 15 minutes.

Agilo:“This explanation would benefit from a story point estimate and a clear definition of done. I'm also going to need a retrospective on why it wasn't clear the first time.”

The Three Hat Problem

1 min2025-07-18

You are the Solutions Architect. Also the Enterprise Architect. Also the one who actually builds it. These roles have conflicting interests.

Stacky:“I've modelled this as a microservices problem. Each role should be its own autonomous service with a clear API boundary. Currently you are a monolith.”

The Value Proposition Nobody Agreed On

1 min2025-06-30

Six stakeholders. Six definitions of value. One slide deck that tries to please all of them.

Blocky:“I've identified 6 value propositions in this deck. They contradict each other in slides 4, 7, and 11. I've logged this as a feature.”

We Need to Scale This

1 min2025-05-14

The product has 200 users. Someone has already drawn a Kubernetes diagram.

Cloudsworth:“I've run the numbers. At current user growth, you'll need this infrastructure in approximately 2031. The monthly bill starts now though.”

It Works on My Machine

2 min2025-04-22

A phrase so powerful it ends investigations, closes tickets, and starts arguments.

Deployyy:“Then we ship your machine. Problem solved. I'll write the Dockerfile.”

We'll Clean It Up Later

1 min2025-03-17

Later is a place on the map that no engineering team has ever reached.

Stacky:“I've designed a microservices architecture to handle the cleanup. It has 14 services. It will also need cleaning up later.”

It's Just a Small Change

1 min2025-02-03

Five words. Every engineer's blood pressure goes up 20 points.

Blocky:“Nothing that starts with 'just' has ever been just anything. I've logged this as a P0.”

The Quick Sync That Wasn't

1 min2025-01-08

It's just 15 minutes, they said. You'll be done by 10:30, they said.

Agilo:“This meeting had unclear acceptance criteria and no definition of done. I'm moving it to the next sprint.”

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